Let's Start Here...Is Romantic Love A Myth?
Open Letter To J. T.
You presented a summarized history of your failed relationships and asked, “Why can’t women accept me the way I am?” Exploring Early Experiences That May Contribute
A “relationship” is a sharing of life's experiences, isn't it?
How can this word "relationship" have real meaning, if your definition of it, meets only your own needs, desires and hopes?
Shouldn't you have taken the time, to ask yourself, why any woman should accept you the way you are... automatically?
How can any adult in a genuine “relationship” actually believe that he/she has some fundamental right to be accepted AS IS (no one is perfect... in other words, the requirement appears unjust on its face, doesn’t it?)
Let's look at the summary you presented of your relationship history:
Your first relationship: You left her alone for 6 months because you “needed” to take a job out of state. You kept in contact via phone/mail. You asked, “Why did she leave me for another guy?”
Your next two relationships: You got an “opportunity” for a job out of the country and left each of these women at the time, behind. When you came back... each had moved on with another man.
You mentioned over 15 “relationships” that failed (and you are not in one today) and every relationship you presented reveals that with each one, after a few weeks/months in it, you found some “opportunity” that took you out of her daily life… yet you expected each woman to “wait” for you?
It sounds, on its face, that these “opportunities” (for you) became a convenient way to let the woman in question carry the “blame” for the relationship’s failure.
Logic suggests that you have a problem with intimacy... The history of your relationships is that after a few weeks/months in one, you experience an emotional claustrophobia... At that point, you appear to find “opportunities” to get out of the daily “relationship” that allows you to emotionally/mentally disconnect from the real cause of the relationship failing.
Isn’t the logic compelling, that your relationships must have failed because you have not found the REAL cause behind the emotional claustrophobia that inevitably emerges when you have been in a relationship for a length of time?
To Later Resistance To Lasting Intimacy.
Note To The Reader:
The environment of this narration
is presented as a direct reply to J.T.
"We know that a child uses the parent’s state of mind to regulate the child’s own mental processes. It is through a sensitive, responsive, and caring relationship with a primary care-giver that a child develops self-regulation abilities, emotional control, behavioral regulation, and such cognitive abilities as cause-effect thinking, among others. The child’s developing capacity to regulate emotions and develop a coherent sense of self requires sensitive and responsive parenting." ~
Child Abuse and Neglect:
Effects on Child Development, Brain Development, Psychopathology,
and Interpersonal Relationships ~ Author: Arthur Becker-Weidman, Ph.D
To be willing to accept that a man's parents bear the fundamental responsibility for his later inability to form lasting intimacy with a woman, isn't simply making them a "scapegoat" for his relationship failures as an adult.
Because there is always a cause for every contingent effect, your parents (or other primary care-giver[s]) really are to blame for the damage he/she (they) caused by choosing (carelessly, indifferently or deliberately) to physically and emotionally abuse you (neglect is abuse), thus, by neglecting to stop the abuse and their choices of action, they caused lasting harm to you.
If you feel the immediate need to defend your parents (children are programmed to not challenge their authority figures), remember that this examination isn't about your parents (or other primary influences in your early life) except in the sense of "causation." This "seeking answers" conversation is about you.
The logic of your situation is fundamental, isn't it? If a human-being cannot form lasting ("lasting" = Committed) intimate relationships, there is a real cause behind that inability which when examined and understood can hopefully be re-defined and repaired into a healthy "self" who will allow himself to love and "trust" the woman who loves him.
Because your parents (or parent-figure) chose harmful behavior actions that did damage to you, does not mean that they have had "no" positive value to you (abuse is rarely constant).
It does support the effect of the abuse as the damaging choices they made about you, which provides the evidence for why you have not been able to establish lasting intimacy with a woman.
We all are born with a personality that is shaped by our early environment. You entered the world within a specific gene structure given to you by your father and mother, yet, what happened to you from that moment on would be the shaping of your sense of "self" - for good or for bad.
The truth is, that you are not to blame for what happened to you during those early childhood "shaping" years.
The hopeful truth implied in recent research on early childhood emotional injury (in all its aspects) is that you have a choice now as an adult (as long as you live) to seek repair and recovery of the damaged "self."
In an important implication, the Bible supports the concept that the reason for the inability to form committed relationships (i.e., not able to accept true intimacy) can be found within the inability to love the "self" - "So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife LOVES HIMSELF...” Ephesians 5:28-30
That it is moral, to love a wife is presented ("ought also to love.."), in the first portion of the passage, explaining to the man, that he "OUGHT" to love her (it is part of his duty to her).
The basis for the ability to love her and accept the God-given intimacy with her of God's intention, is presented in the last portion of the passage… and that is, the man must be able to love himself ("He who loves his own wife LOVES HIMSELF...").
The teaching supports the idea that when a man cannot love "himself"...he cannot love his wife. It can be seen that the result of present-day research has found a truth about the importance of a healthy view of "self" that the Bible presented long ago.
To understand the basis behind relationship commitment fears (an inability to accept and value "self"), doesn't provide the way to healing of the damaged "self," but it suggests that the first step to recovery can be made when there is a willingness for the past-injured adult to examine the many facets of traumatic injury that he sustained from an early toxic environment.
Let's take a look at some of them…
Click To Continue On Page 2 ~
The Many Faces Of Abuse
To Page 3 ~
Can A Broken Childhood "Self"
Learn To "Trust" Within Adult Relationship?
After You Have Finished
Reading The Author's Response to J.T.
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